Minä rakastan sinua

"But there is hope when my faith runs out. Cause I'm in better hands now"

- "In Better Hands" Natalie Grant

I suppose I'm catching on to the wonderful wide world of internet diaries a little late, but hey. I was never really into the old paper ones in the first place. The whole process of taking it out of its "secret" place and inconspicuously journaling your day in the dead of night never really appealed to me. Even when in 7th grade we were to, as an assignment, keep a journal for one whole quarter of the school year, I hated it. Loathed it. And the easy part is, it was only one page per day. How easy is that now? I can crank out a page for a paper in less than an 45 minutes. Back then? It was torture.

Now, you might ask? I don't even think I have the answer for that one. So, now equipped with my still new smelling url name, I'm free to conquer the world!

But in all seriousness, I believe what led me to start this little experiment was the passing of my grandmother this past week. She was 88 years old. I've heard that once someone you hold dear to you leaves this world, you take a look at your life, what you've accomplished, and if you would be prepared to die at any moment. Honestly? I think I believe that since I am "only" a college student with grandiose hopes for the distant future, I'm immune to the idea of death. Now I don't want to get too caught up in that idea, but you can't escape it. It is inevitable. We are dust, and we will return to the earth when it is our time.

I'd like to say that I was close to my grandmother, or Mummu as the grandkids called her, but to be fair, I wasn't really at all. I am 20 now, and a few years back she suffered a stroke, so that would be when I was 15-17 (I don't remember the specific year), and after that she developed Alzheimer's. Even before then, we lived in Florida and she was up in Michigan, so we never really saw our extended families unless we visited for Christmas or over the summer break. My family is all from Michigan, I'm the only "real" Floridian. We lived in South Florida for three years after I was born and then moved back up to the Detroit area, back by both sides of the family. After another six years, two little brothers, and one more move up north, we headed back to Florida, where we've remained. (I think my dad is a little antsy to move again. 11 years this summer in Lakeland!) So I do not have very clear memories of Mummu before the move to back to Florida. Another thing was that I am the youngest granddaughter (on my dad's side), so every one had already had opportunities for longer and deeper memories of her.

As I get older, year by year I learn new things about my family. It's a funny thing. Once you reach a certain age, you suddenly have the right to know about the people that make up your family. I laugh every time I think about it. While my family has its flaws and cracks just like every family, I love them unconditionally. They are who I am. They are there when I need a laugh or when I need a word of encouragement. I just wish I had an opportunity to be around her more without any of the drama that every family has. She lived 68 years more than I did. She lived through a World War. She birthed 6 children, raised them, and watched them give her grandchildren, even one great-grandson. She knew Finnish. I would've loved to be able to learn a few phrases of half of my ancestry's language.

Another thing about death, that I am learning about is that I am wishing that I had done this or that. Unfulfilled wishes that will not happen. At least in this lifetime. I know when I'm called home I'll be able to truly spend time with her and that makes me happy.

I am not saddened by her death, but I rejoice in her being with Jesus in Heaven, where I will meet her again, along with my Father above. I remember the few memories of her and cherish them dearly.

I love you Mummu.

Minä rakastan sinua.

~Margaret Lustila~

January 23, 1922 - March 24, 2010