Only You

Why does it seem whenever I get a "solid" grip on my thoughts and feelings, I suddenly get bowled over with worries and anxiety? It feels like I am always on the end of the stick sometimes. Now I know I'm not thinking straight right now, but... I. Just. Need. To. Stop. Worrying. I have this jury for my clarinet coming up at the end of April. What I have to do is play an accompanied solo piece (with two contrasting movements - or two different pieces) and an etude (study) of some kind. The fun part is trying to find an accompanist. I'm so ready to be done with playing in the studio, which I can actually do if I pass this jury.

I think another reason for me being afraid and conflicted by this jury is my lack of confidence. I have never been really confident with my playing abilities. I'm not looking for complement hand-outs. I know I'm good enough. But, every now and then in band, I look around at all the talent in the room and then think of me in my last chair position and think, "Why am I here? I clearly don't fit in here." Sometimes I feel like I am still trying to find where I am supposed to be.

~~

Ok, I just took a step back and looked at how many times I said the word "I." Too many times. I am being completely selfish when I should be thinking about this week and what it means to the world. Nothing in my world will ever be horrible enough that I won't be able to handle it. My mind just feels like it's going to wither away.

God is telling me to trust him and let him take care of it. I have a hard time letting go of the control. I like to keep control of situations. I've always been like that, first born tendencies I suppose.

If you read this blog, know that I love you for taking time to read whatever kind of stuff I write on this thing. Please know that both God and I will be there for you if you need me. But while I might be extremely cranky one day (sort of like today), God is a constant source of stability and comfort. I just experienced it during the course of writing this post. :] I pray that you find a renewed bond with our Father. He's been waiting for you. He loves you no matter what you've done and will love you for all time. Just let it happen. Let him in your heart. It will be the best thing you've ever done in your life.

"Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise"

-- "What Faith Can Do" - Kutless

Patience is a confusing concept.

"In this life, you're the one place I call home

In this life, you're the feeling I belong

In this life, you're the flower and the thorn

You're everything that's fair in love and war"

- "Head Over Heels" - Switchfoot

It's no secret that I am a hockey fan. And sitting here watching the Pittsburgh Penguins give up a goal in the first five minutes for the second time in as many games is pretty frustrating. Both goals could've been prevented easily. But, they were not. Fortunately, last night they were able to bounce back and win 4-1, let's see if that happens today.

Now I don't know everything how the game is played (I swear I learn a new rule every time I watch a game.), but I appreciate the way that hockey players sacrifice and work to become the best player and team possible. I am no athlete, and do not claim to be one at all, but I think that you can learn something watching these well-conditioned men and women compete. They put their whole beings into the game to have a chance to reach the unattainable. But there is a 50/50 chance of winning. There is always a winner and always a loser.

I suppose I am glad that I'm just a spectator with these sports. It's hard enough to watch, let alone participate in the games. But they have such gusto. Sometimes I find myself just letting the days pass me by without feeling like I truly did something worthwhile. Sometimes I feel like I am lacking that "gusto" for something. That I'm adrift in a world of confusion.

I try to catch myself when I start thinking like that. I do have something to live for. I have something to breathe in and out for. Someone to wake up for day in and day out. Someone that is always there when I am feeling unconquerable, but also when I am being my worst. Knowing that Jesus is living inside of me is the best feeling that I've ever experienced. No matter what I do, say, or feel, He'll always be there for me is just mind boggling.

Now the hockey reference was a bit out there yes, but I want to live for Jesus the way hockey players strive to win the Stanley Cup. With each passing year, and every new class I take, I want to grow closer to Him. Just because I've been a part of the Church all my life doesn't make me out to be a good Christian. I've only recently, within the past two years or so, began to realize that you need to be wholly and completely enveloped by His love to be whole. I knew that He loved me, but I was just believing that with my head, and not with my heart. I'm still working on being a good follower, but I'll be doing that until the day I return home.

Learning to be patient and allow for God to work in my life has been the most difficult. When I auditioned at FSU, I had this grand idea of being a Performance major and just playing clarinet. But when I got the letter saying that, yes I was accepted to the College of Music, I wasn't accepted into the Performance major. I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to do in college. I played with the idea of Music Therapy, but it just didn't fit right. But then I got to thinking. I like music. I also enjoy studying history and the vast amount of people in it. Why not just combine the two? So, that's how I've landed my major(s) of Music and History. Hopefully in the future, I'll be able to go onto grad school for Musicology.

While I might not be the best clarinet player here at FSU, or the best German speaker in my German class, I know that I am heading where I am meant to be. Where my life is supposed to be going. I must learn to be patient and wait for God to lead me in the direction He wants for my life.

-- Oh, by the way. Just in case you were wondering, the Pens are tied at 2 in the second period right now. ;) GO PENS

Minä rakastan sinua

"But there is hope when my faith runs out. Cause I'm in better hands now"

- "In Better Hands" Natalie Grant

I suppose I'm catching on to the wonderful wide world of internet diaries a little late, but hey. I was never really into the old paper ones in the first place. The whole process of taking it out of its "secret" place and inconspicuously journaling your day in the dead of night never really appealed to me. Even when in 7th grade we were to, as an assignment, keep a journal for one whole quarter of the school year, I hated it. Loathed it. And the easy part is, it was only one page per day. How easy is that now? I can crank out a page for a paper in less than an 45 minutes. Back then? It was torture.

Now, you might ask? I don't even think I have the answer for that one. So, now equipped with my still new smelling url name, I'm free to conquer the world!

But in all seriousness, I believe what led me to start this little experiment was the passing of my grandmother this past week. She was 88 years old. I've heard that once someone you hold dear to you leaves this world, you take a look at your life, what you've accomplished, and if you would be prepared to die at any moment. Honestly? I think I believe that since I am "only" a college student with grandiose hopes for the distant future, I'm immune to the idea of death. Now I don't want to get too caught up in that idea, but you can't escape it. It is inevitable. We are dust, and we will return to the earth when it is our time.

I'd like to say that I was close to my grandmother, or Mummu as the grandkids called her, but to be fair, I wasn't really at all. I am 20 now, and a few years back she suffered a stroke, so that would be when I was 15-17 (I don't remember the specific year), and after that she developed Alzheimer's. Even before then, we lived in Florida and she was up in Michigan, so we never really saw our extended families unless we visited for Christmas or over the summer break. My family is all from Michigan, I'm the only "real" Floridian. We lived in South Florida for three years after I was born and then moved back up to the Detroit area, back by both sides of the family. After another six years, two little brothers, and one more move up north, we headed back to Florida, where we've remained. (I think my dad is a little antsy to move again. 11 years this summer in Lakeland!) So I do not have very clear memories of Mummu before the move to back to Florida. Another thing was that I am the youngest granddaughter (on my dad's side), so every one had already had opportunities for longer and deeper memories of her.

As I get older, year by year I learn new things about my family. It's a funny thing. Once you reach a certain age, you suddenly have the right to know about the people that make up your family. I laugh every time I think about it. While my family has its flaws and cracks just like every family, I love them unconditionally. They are who I am. They are there when I need a laugh or when I need a word of encouragement. I just wish I had an opportunity to be around her more without any of the drama that every family has. She lived 68 years more than I did. She lived through a World War. She birthed 6 children, raised them, and watched them give her grandchildren, even one great-grandson. She knew Finnish. I would've loved to be able to learn a few phrases of half of my ancestry's language.

Another thing about death, that I am learning about is that I am wishing that I had done this or that. Unfulfilled wishes that will not happen. At least in this lifetime. I know when I'm called home I'll be able to truly spend time with her and that makes me happy.

I am not saddened by her death, but I rejoice in her being with Jesus in Heaven, where I will meet her again, along with my Father above. I remember the few memories of her and cherish them dearly.

I love you Mummu.

Minä rakastan sinua.

~Margaret Lustila~

January 23, 1922 - March 24, 2010